Payment of an invoice for an already held romantic dinner is a turning point in the first date, when each of us analyzes our partner.
At this moment, our unconscious fantasies and expectations can go to dust. The slightest hitch, the wrong gesture – and the date may end in disaster.
“If he hesitates, then I act, taking out my bank card,” says 35-year-old Eugene. – So I show him that he, alas, was not on top and, of course, there can be no talk of a continuation of the relationship. „.
An energetic 48-year-old novel notes: “Galance obliges a man to pay, and a woman does not notice this. Otherwise, if she insists to share the score in half, the beauty of the moment disappears „.
Money with meaning
So how do you get yourself? If you say about your desire awkward,
it remains to find out who will pay for dinner.
“When they brought an account, he uncertainly asked:“ What will we do?“And all the charm of the evening has disappeared,-42-year-old Margarita admits. – It’s not about money: he just had to take the situation into his own hands. „.
33-year-old Natalya noticed how her substantive tried to quietly lower the check into his pocket, brought by the waiter after paying the account: “Dinner with me will be included in the article of the expenses of his company. The guy did not risk anything: even if he receives a resignation, the company will compensate for the damage caused to his finances by the first date „.
The path to proximity is very fragile, and this is due to the fact that the topic of money for each of us has many meanings
The moment of payment of the bill for 39-year-old George is always painful: “I somehow strain: it seems to me that I have lost my wallet, it rolls the fear that I don’t have enough cash”.
The path to proximity is very fragile, and this is due to the fact that the topic of money for each of us has many meanings. Money unconsciously return us to early childhood: they can symbolize the chest that feeds, or penis, which is associated with strength and masculinity.
“One of us gives a sense of security, the opportunity to satisfy all desires,” explains the Jungian psychoanalyst Lev Hegai, “otherwise allow you to control the situation, for the third they symbolize strength, power, potency, for the fourth – even the payment for incest.
So, if a man on a first date experiences not only attraction, but also an irrational feeling of guilt, he feels that he does something forbidden, most likely, behind these experiences is his unconscious attraction to her sister or mother (especially if the girl resembles one or the other.). Then the money spent for the first dinner together is becoming an involuntary attempt to atone for this neurotic guilt „.
Due to its multi -digit, money, charged with powerful eroticism or fear, determines the value of the worn moment and at the same time provoke questions: “What do I actually stand?“,“ How we are wealthy as a person?“.
“If only he refused to pay equally!“
Maria, 27 years old, auditor
“I always propose to pay equally, very hoping that he will refuse. If it allows you to pay and for me, it does not prevent us from becoming lovers, but it cools me. When a man pays for me, I feel like a female, I can be more passive, because I am sure that he feels a desire „.
Ilana Reis-shimmel, psychoanalyst: “This woman wants a man to be those who can make her happy. Despite her power position, she does not put herself in the place of the one who “everything is”, because it can provoke an alarm and a feeling of humiliation from the partner ”.
Laws of attraction
During the surge of feminism in the middle of the twentieth century in the name of the idea of equality between the floors, many women defended their rights, including in their number and the right to pay equally.
“True, most modern girls still expect that a man will pay for them,” says Lev Hegai. – Among other things, so they want to feel like an object of sexual desire. „.
However, do not mix social interaction and patterns of attraction.
“The issue of the equality of sexes should not be the main thing on the first date,” says the psychoanalyst Ilan flight shimmel. -After all, from the point of view of ethology, the science of behavior, at that moment the woman unconsciously waits for a man in relation to her to take on both the mother-nurse and the father-defender. And this expectation does our attraction in culturally acceptable forms „.
The sociologist Michel Bozon does not agree with her: “It is still customary to treat a woman today as an object of possession, at best, as a subject endowed with a moderate desire and seeking to cause attraction. Such a stereotype of perception, of course, presses both men and women. „.
